In the Past
It was the first Friday of my freshman year of high school. We all got out of class early because it was a half day for some reason. My buddy Nick, whose parents were quite well off, invited a bunch of us to go back to his house for swimming, billiards and whatever other toys his parents had.
Our group was solid. An almost perfect girl to guy ratio. And not just any girls either. These girls were cute and fun, which is why only a month later they would all be stolen by upperclassmen with Geo hatchbacks and sideburns. At the time it really pissed us off, but just a year later we did the same thing to the next year’s freshman class. Several of those guys a year younger than me still hold a grudge a decade later.
Anyway, so we all go to Nick’s house. We had to out of there before 4 p.m. as to not run into his parents but that gave us a solid 5 hours. We swam, we grilled, then swam again without letting our food digest, it was a great day. I had been a part of a fairly typical middle school “on again” “off again” relationship for the past two and a half years with this girl. To keep this girl anonymous I will refer to her as Patty Mayonnaise. Patty and I were in one of our “off again” stages but had been flirting all day and were now in the middle of a game of pool. To make the game a little more interesting, Patty proposed a little wager. She proposed that if she won I would have to write and sing a song about her. A foolish wager on her part for I was over at Nick’s nearly every day playing pool and had grown quite skillful. When asked what my stipulations were, I said that I’d think of something, because I was too nervous to ask for my and what would have been her first kiss as my wager (my first kiss was still two and a half years away with a very pretty girl who is now a lesbian).
I knocked two balls in on the break and quickly started circling the table knocking down every shot I lined up. My arrogance was palpable. My trash talk, juvenile. She kept asking what I wanted if I won with teasing eyes that suggested she knew what was on my mind. A crowd had gathered as whispers echoed around the room of what was at stake. Finally, it came down to just me and the 8 ball. I sent the 8 ball screaming towards one of the corner pockets, for a game like this was to be won with authority. The 8 ball dropped and everyone started cheering until they noticed the cue ball rampantly bouncing from bumper to bumper before coming to a rest at the bottom of the side pocket. Scratch on the 8 ball. Automatic loss. The room erupted in laughter. I fell to my knees in disbelief and was forced to suffer the shameless celebration of Patty Mayonnaise. After exclaiming such popular catch phrases as “in your face!” and “whomp! There it is!” she calmly said in a sweet voice “you have a week.”
What was I going to do? Just go back on my wager with one of the prettiest girls in the school? No, I was going to have suck it up and tap into my inner artist. The problem is, I had/have no inner artist. Sure I might be able to rhyme some words together but then I was expected to sing it to her. After she inquired of my progress the next Monday, we agreed that a live show was not required and that a cassette tape recording would suffice. The homecoming dance was a month away. These are the lyrics I can remember.
In the past I thought it might last,
You are the boat and I am your mast.
You and me, we been through thick and thin,
We played pool and I let you win.
If you don’t know how much you mean to me,
You ought to be stung by a bee.
If you were the queen I’d be your king,
Will you go with me to homecoming?
Moving stuff I know. The tape was well received and Patty accompanied me to the dance.
Fast forward a year and a half.
Patty and I were on another “off again” period and indeed would never again be “on”. One night, while spending the night at my buddy Nick’s, four of my friends including myself thought it would be funny to convince Nick that Patty had a crush on him. Nick, being a fairly gullible guy, at that age as most of us were, went for it hook, line and sinker. Later that week, Nick gained up the courage and informed us all that after lunch, he was going to ask her out at her locker.
When the time came, we wanted to get a good view of it, but also remain unnoticed. Nick walked up to her with a confidence I had never seen before or since and asked her out. Needless to say, Patty was stunned. She had not been giving him any signals whatsoever so his advance was a great surprise. We couldn’t hear the conversation because it was passing period and the hallways were loud but we could notice the air escaping from Nick as Patty gentle touched him on the shoulder. The two of them hugged and Nick made his way back to us with a strut about him that should have been accompanied by the Bee Gees’ Stayin’ Alive.
To our surprise, she had said “yes” and Patty and Nick were now a couple. Several days later, it came out that they were not really dating and the façade was all a ploy to get back at us and teach us a lesson. It didn’t. If only she had something embarrassing to get back at me with.
The student council at our school hosted music to be played in the hallways during passing periods on Friday. Every week a different member of the student council was in charge of the music and wouldn’t you know it, Patty’s turn was just around the corner. I would have never expected Patty to behave so maliciously but I should have learned long ago not to underestimate her. During passing period between 3rd and 4th hour I noticed my fellow students in the hallways had stopped walking to their classes and were attempting to hear the poor sound quality song that was playing over the intercom. Some laughed, others ignored it. Luckily she didn’t give it a lead in so nobody knew it was a song about her from me. Needless to say I never crossed her again.
I recently Facebook messaged her and if she can find the tape I will be sure to upload it for all to enjoy.
